For those looking to save money on blenders, cameras, clothes, laptops and a million other things we love to splurge on during the holidays, Americans invariably turn to Black Friday and Cyber Monday to quench their oversized savings thirst. Luckily, we’ve stumbled through the Cyber Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday dross of discounts to bring you a cautionary tale of the most dreadful deals out there. Buyer beware!
Sharper Image SBT5005 Lava Lamp with Bluetooth Speaker 17.5"
Sale Price: $69.99 Original Price: $100
You’d be hard pressed to find anyone under the age of 30 who has visited a JCPenney store in the last couple of years. The declining retail giant was once a cornerstone of malls nationwide, but has seen closures in recent years, including seven this calendar year. Naturally, their Cyber Monday Deals leave something to be desired, with the sale items resembling a garage junk sale from 1980. Take this Lava Lamp Bluetooth Speaker for instance. Who’s buying this? Either your super nostalgic uncle, or your 13-year-old son who just put up his first blacklight Bob Marley poster. It’s made by Sharper Image, which, if you’ve ever bought anything from them, you’ll know this self-proclaimed “funkadelic” Bluetooth speaker probably has a life of about three months. This kid's disappointing "I don't know what this is," at the end of the above clip says everything.
Instant Pot IP-LUX60-ENW Stainless Steel 6-in-1 Pressure Cooker with Mini Mitts
Sale Price: $99.95 Original Price: $125.99
I’m no expert, but pressure cookers just sound like a home disaster waiting to happen. They’ve been used by bomb builders in terror attacks in recent years, and even the digital timer on this thing looks like the digital readout from a bomb in a '90s action movie. Even if this thing can cook a whole chicken in under 20 minutes, who needs the stress of having the nuclear bomb version of a Crock-Pot in their kitchen?
Holiday Family Pajamas Snowflake Sleep Pant & Top 2 Piece Sleepwear
Sale Price: $12.97
The family with the pressure cooker in their kitchen is probably the same family wearing these godawful coordinated pajamas. Steer clear of these if your family has any sense of decency.
Crocband™ Holiday Lights Clog
Price: $54.99 Discount: 40% off
Unless you’re someone that purposefully takes bad taste Christmas photos with their goofy self-aware friends, these Holiday themed Crocs should be the last thing you put in your shopping cart on Cyber Monday. Crocs apparently have had the best site wide deals on Cyber Monday for the past three years running, but that doesn’t sweeten the deal for us — because well, they’re Crocs. These “clogs” are so full of festive holiday cheer that the soles light up with each step. What are you, five? Save yourself the sheer embarrassment of wearing these giant rubber watermelons on your feet and thank us later.
Parrot AR.Drone 2.0 Elite Edition Quadcopter (Jungle)
Sale Price: $206.79 Original Price: $299.99
I think we’re still a little ways off from the drone future everyone predicted. Most people expected Amazon to have drone deliveries by now, after making an announcement nearly two years ago. Since then, Wal-Mart and Google have entered the fold for potential drone delivery, but we’re still a couple years out from seeing packages delivered via drone. Which leaves the drone consumer market open to weird, fringe hobbyists, and peeping toms. The Parrot AR.Drone 2.0 Elite Edition Quadcopter, seems perfect for your 50-year-old neighbor that lives by himself and has a strange obsession with old radios and other weird pieces of antisocial vintage technology. The Quadcopter’s jungle color scheme also gives off some ultra creepy military vibes that are totally unnecessary. Apart from being totally annoying (a simple YouTube search reveals a host of videos of drones being shot down by perturbed citizens) they can be unwieldy, like the time one almost took Enrique Iglesias’ hand clean off. No thanks.
Sales without the Psychopaths Mousepad
Sale Price: $13.15
This mousepad is not technically on sale during Cyber Monday, but it’s sure to quench the thirst of the most ravenous of Cyber Monday shoppers. The pad presumes that people shopping online for Cyber Monday are somehow less psychotic than those shopping on Black Friday. While Monday shoppers might avoid losing a limb at Target, or witnessing a homicide outside of Wal-Mart over a blender, the Cyber Monday super-shopper surely has some skeletons in the closet, figuratively and literally. The toothy grin the mouse is making is vaguely unsettling, and the mouse looks like something you’d find in your company’s old cardboard box of computer gear circa 2008. We’ll pass.
Sheetz Gift Card
Sale Price: $25 Original Price: $30
Sheetz, the most poorly named gas station fast food spot in America, has claimed in a recent advertising campaign that “fries are the new lettuce.” As much as we want to get behind this, we just can’t look beyond the easy-target name and myriad possibilities of bad puns it presents. Ebay is selling $30 Sheetz gift cards for $25, which seems like a pretty good deal, but one look at the menu will have you thinking otherwise. Reading like a combination of every worst fast food joint combined (think Green Burrito meets Papa John’s meets Carl’s Jr meets 7-Eleven meets PopEyes meets Subway), most items on the menu are bound to have you asking your local pentecostal priest for forgiveness. There are a ton of other discounted gift cards around this Cyber Monday, so spare yourself a case of the sheetz and feel good about food again.
BetterBack
Price: $59.00 Discount: 35% off (with Forbes promo code)
If this were a giant fruit slingshot made for real life Fruit Ninja, maybe we could see a reason to shell out 60 bucks. The BetterBack is infomercial fodder and one of the most cumbersome and embarrassing things you could ever choose to strap on yourself in a public place. Goes hand in hand with people with a gluten intolerance.
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