Aging hipsters are the new boomers. They're the subset of cool that's too young to remember flower power or have lived through 'Nam, but remember life before the internet, collected vinyl not because it was cool but because it was the only media available, never had to text as teenagers and could bury all their embarrassing hijinks and lame fashion mistakes because they didn't do selfies or social media.
They're the height of post-irony, post-cool, post-self reflection. They're ultimately genuinely interested and can't be bothered at the same time. They make disparaging remarks about the music of today, the outfits of today, the celebrities of today. One day, you, too, will be an aging hipster. And if you're lucky, you'll be one of these.
The Bowie
Who you are now: You’re the sex symbol that men AND women want to BE — and BE WITH. You’ve got the pouty stare, the requisite leather jacket, the skinny jeans and are good enough at the guitar to impress folks around campfire karaoke. Your tattoo sleeves are a source of endless small talk at parties. Speaking of parties, whenever you slink your way in with one date, you always leave with two more — and it doesn’t even matter that your mode of transport is your fixie.
Who you will be in the future: You’re the dude who’ll go to a mason-jar-stocked barber to get your neck and ears shaved, and your beard will cease to be ironic. You’ll bemoan the fact that your skinny jeans don’t go over your beer belly (damn you, PBR!). You’ll end up making playlists of Nirvana and Clash songs for your toddler. But no matter what, your hair will always look good.
The Marina
Who you are now: You’re the girl who is too smart to get caught at anything, and knows what cool is, effortlessly. You know everything other people pay to know about (that latest pop-up store, the street artist whose work will be worth millions, tix to the secret Rolling Stones show at the Echo), yet you never stand in line for things — you’re always on the list!
Who you will be: You’ll have one kid that knows who Andre Gregory and Jay Z are, you hack the shit out of IKEA furniture, you’re often stopped on the streets by acquaintances who don’t believe you’ve settled down, and you have a ton of hipster friends in their early-to-mid-20s that you use for intel on pop culture, technology and fashion. In return, younguns flock to you to establish their credibility and cool factor. Everyone wins!
The Madonna
Who you are now: The wild child who’s up for anything — drinking vodka and red bulls on the beach from your Manna water bottles, cross-country road trips decided at the spur of the moment, the open relationship specialist who knows how to smuggle any kind of drug to any country in the world.
Who you’ll be: A reiki instructor, a coin-carrying AA member and a vegan.
The Hawk
Who you are now: The adrenaline junkie who has had “every bone in your body broken,” you skate morning, noon and night. You've tried every extreme sport and have surfed in the morning and driven up the mountains to snowboard in the afternoon. You smoke a lot of pot, and you watch a lot of cartoons, but you have a steady stream of income thanks to you and your friends’ “growth enterprises.” You also listen to a steady stream of Peter Tosh-Sublime-Bob Marley-Tycho on repeat.
Who you’ll be: The guy who’ll wear porkpie hats unironically, you’ll have a job as a hedge fund banker, but you’ll still skate to work because you want to feel like you can still sleep in til 11:30am. Who cares about your increased body mass index, your brittle bones and your failing vision? At least you’re not dating an 18-year-old. Plus, there’s nothing cooler than teaching your 4-year-old how to skateboard.
The Christie
Who you are now: The hot chick that everyone wants to bang.
Who you’ll be: The hot chick that everyone wants to bang, but you’ll have intellectually stimulating conversation first because no one wants to be accused of being shallow anymore.
The Kravitz
Who you are now: The starving artist who just is good at everything: you paint, design, sing like an angel, play every instrument and look good doing it to boot. You don’t work, but you don’t need to — you live off every single girlfriend you’ve ever had. (They don’t care because you make them breakfast in bed, plus the sex is hot.)
Who you’ll be: If the gods are great, you will end up like the real-life Lenny Kravitz, who now looks exactly like he did 25 years ago. He has a beautiful wife, a beautiful kid, exhibits his photography at Art Basel, runs a multimillion dollar interior design firm and has won four Grammy awards. Sigh.
The Shailene
Who you are now: The crunchy granola, earth-saving, deodorant-making, vagina-sunning, own-clothes making earth goddess who makes everything: food, clothes and accessories — as if things you are making weren’t available on Amazon for $2 with prime shipping.
Who you will be: The lady who opens a 55+ community for aging hippies that will have a dog-friendly park, communal kitchens, will allow skateboarding (for all the Hawks who want to live there), a brew room, and Tai Chi, yoga, and meditation classes. That, or a homeless person.
The Depp
Who you are now: The creepy cute guy, the moody introvert who only glares at everyone in your path. You write poetry on your phone and make playlists with obscure, long-winded titles such as “There’s always money in the banana stand” and “Burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars.” You hate everyone, but everyone has a secret crush on you.
Who you’ll be: You’re the weird old guy who dresses in poufy top hats and wears make up. You get weirder and weirder with age. Also, since you’re old, you’re not really cute anymore. So instead of being the creepy cute guy, you’re just the creepy guy.
See what else made it into our Top 8 by visiting its official page.
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