Friday, 17 February 2017

Kate Upton's "Swimsuit" SI Covers & the Best Valentine's Day Fails

Every week I'll be here to reveal and review some of my favorite moments from the internet. Whether it be binge-ing television shows, streaming sports or simply getting lost in a YouTube rabbit hole, I'm here to give you my top picks every Friday, as well as the perfect pairing to get into an optimal headspace for them. 

This week, we're criticizing Kate Upton's lack of swimsuit in her SI swimsuit covers and laughing at some unfortunate souls whose Valentine's Day fails will live on forever thanks to the internet.
 

Does Anyone at SI Know What a Swimsuit Is? 


Recommended Pairing: Two halved and hollowed out coconuts and some twine.


Not that I'm complaining, but it's remarkable how seldom the girls in the swimsuit edition wear actual functional swimsuits. Whether it's body paint, jewelry, or just a thong with their hands smooshing their boobies, it's safe to say that whoever is in charge of picking the wardrobe doesn't understand the concept of swimming or is just the ultimate bro.

This week Kate Upton, you know, the top heavy angel from the Fappening and those ridiculous mobile app castle war games graced three very special covers of the famous magazine cover. 

 


By my count, that's three separate "swimsuit" modeling images with a combined total of one-half of one swimsuit total. (I refuse to count the rope thing as a swimsuit. It's more like she was drunk and fought an old hammock.) Still pretty sexy, though..

My favorite thing that Sports Illustrated does though is when they pull the old switcharoo — An actual swimsuit on a model in a place where it makes absolutely no sense to be wearing one.

Here's the lovely aforementioned Kate Upton in the friggin arctic:



 

Here's a very pretty woman on some dude's lil' boat:



And here's another pretty lady inexplicably posing in front of some kids:



And my personal favorite in the "That's racist, right? How was this approved?" category:




It's crazy that in our age of virtual reality porn and virtually unlimited access to all kinds of smut and erotica that the Sports Illustrated issue still amasses such an incredible readership. Well, I doubt there's much reading going on...

Which reminds me...


After a brief flirtation with going "never-nude," Playboy is finally gonna have some titties in there again!


Sorry Playboy. You're reign as the ultimate treasure to find as a kid has long since been passed by the ability to type "boobs" into Google.

 

Valentine's Day


Recommended Pairing: Twelve dozen of those rum filled chocolates.


Actively hating Valentine's Day is dumb. Seriously.

So what you don't have a significant other. Big deal. Who cares that you've been living with your parents well into your 30s with only a handful of romantic moments to speak of for your entire life. 

Going out and trying to impress the ladies is stupid. Take this guy for instance:


He broke his arm trying to look cool in front of a beautiful and sexy young woman. That's right. DON'T REWATCH THE GIF. Just trust me, he's not "dapping" the ground at the end, his arm is a broken noodley mess.

That could have been you!

I mean, what if you took a more long term approach to wooing the opposite sex? Chances are you can learn a pretty incredible skill, but that guarantees nothing. Like this talented son of a bitch:


I mean, that guy is incredible. He obviously dedicated an insane amount of time to be able to be a real life embodiment of "Rock Band," but let's be honest, there's no chance that women see him in his very own "Sing, Strum, Drum" t-shirt, singing, strumming, and drumming and just start tossing their best laceys at his face. 

Nope, scratch that. The more I think about it the more I'm convinced:


What I'm driving at is just that Valentine's Day doesn't have to make you sad. That's a shitty attitude. Seeing other people around town being all happy with each other should make you happy too. Just look at those assholes. Love's a possibility for a lot of people. Obviously it's not for everyone, but that's ok.

Being able to dunk is a possibility for a lot of people.

Then again, so is dying in a car crash.

OK. Maybe I don't really have a point, but being all butthurt on Valentine's Day because you don't have a butt to hurt is just too cliché at this point. 

Mindy Kaling is right:

 

You just gotta adjust your expectations. You got a whole year to learn how to play three instruments at a time, and if you don't you can always try breaking your body for a woman. 

You can do it!

'Til next week.


Wanna see more of my favorite innerwebs finds? You can read the full "Mike's Favorite Things on the Innerwebs" series right here.

 



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