Monday, 3 April 2017

10 Things I Learned About The Walking Dead Season Finale by Watching Twitter

Of all the shows people love to rant about on social media, The Walking Dead is the one that I'll never get into. It's not for lack of trying (I've watched the first handful of episodes a few times each), but I'm ultimately more interested in watching people get eaten by zombies than the interpersonal issues going on between the living survivors.

At this point, all I know about the show is what I've learned from my timeline on Twitter. The dude who played The Comedian in Watchmen has a baseball bat with which he bashes in people's heads. There's a kid in a cowboy hat, and the guy from The Boondock Saints can't die because he needs to keep his career afloat doing something.

Because of this, I thought it'd be fun to review tonight's (April 2) season finale relying solely on Twitter. Here are 10 things I learned,

 

Bad Haircuts Are Worse Than Zombies


Even in the zombie apocalypse, awful haircuts are still a dead giveaway of a shitty person. This lady is rocking somewhere between a mullet, the school shooter bowl cut, and the "let me speak with your manager" hairdo. That's the unholy triumvirate if I've ever heard one.

 

Shiva!


Easily the most talked about Shiva since The League went off the air, someone named Shiva came in and saved the day for the good guys. Between Michonne, Shiva, Ezekiel, and some of the other names getting thrown around, it seems like normal names have died alongside humanity. This also seems like a whole different meaning for the term "Shiva blast."

 

 

All TV Shows Need a Dwight


I can only assume that Dwight from The Office got a crossover cameo for one episode of The Walking Dead, and I'm kind of sad that I missed that. As per usual, Twitter believes that Mr. Schrute wasn't the type of person who should be in charge of pretty much anything.

 

Someone Has a Pet Tiger


In the zombie apocalypse, I'm getting a tiger. I don't know how you end up with a tiger or where you find enough non-zombified meat to feed a tiger on a regular basis, but I now want one. Guns, swords, bats, and whatever else aren't nearly as much fun as a fucking tiger.

 

Sasha Died (Temporarily)


Apparently it doesn't take long for people to come back as zombies, because someone named Sasha died at the beginning of the episode (and people were really sad) and was already back by the end of it (and people were happy to see a zombie of her, which seems weird in a show about zombies). It's like we didn't learn anything about burning or decapitating bodies from decades of George A. Romero.

 

But Michonne is Still Alive


All I know about Michonne is that she got involved in a love triangle and killed a bitch over it. Then everyone cheered. That sounds like the best episode of Maury ever.

 

Carol's a Badass


Outside of Shiva, people were clearly most excited for Carol to come in and fuck shit up. I'm still not sure if she actually got there yet, but she either already did her ass-whooping or is about to in the next season. She may look like a grandma, but who says grandparents can't be gangsters too?

 

 

There are "Garbage People"


Are they made of garbage? Do they eat garbage? Do they know Oscar the Grouch? Is there actual garbage involved or is it just cover for something else? This one is just really confusing.

 

 

Everyone Misses Glenn


Based on everything that showed up on Twitter a couple months ago, I'm pretty sure that Glenn was the dude who had his eyeball knocked out. Now, someone named Maggie gave the most heartfelt speech since KD's MVP acceptance and got everyone more in their feels than Drake has in years.

 

People are Really Impatient


Seriously, guys, it's only like six months. Westworld and Atlanta aren't coming back for a couple of years, and we've all been impatiently waiting for a few episodes of Game of Thrones for well over a year. Quit whining about a show ending for a few months and just be thankful that AMC needs to keep it going for as long as possible going (or at least until Better Call Saul draws in more of the Breaking Bad crowd).

 

 

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