This Friday, the first big comic book movie of the summer hits theaters with Marvel’s Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2. Not only did the 2014 original make Chris Pratt a superstar and flood the market with Groot merchandise, but it also showed Marvel’s golden touch of taking a group of C-level, no-name characters and building a franchise around them.
Vince McMahon may have power, but it’s nowhere near the level of what Marvel head honcho Kevin Feige wields. Just imagine what Feige would be capable of if he ran WWE? Fans would cheer for Roman Reigns; Bray Wyatt would have a winning streak; WWE women would have multiple storylines and pay per views would actually have thought-out storylines with a resolution.
Until Disney decides to buy WWE, that Kevin Feige takeover will just have to be a fantasy. As fans get ready for another space adventure with everyone’s favorite reformed pirates, WWE has a collection of strange and loud personalities that could rival the Guardians. Odds are that Vince and his “writers” may have their own bootleg version ready to use for a weird RAW segment. To save him the trouble, we’ve built our own Guardians team using WWE stars.
Drax the Destroyer – Batista
“If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” certainly rings true here.
Tired of Vince McMahon’s antics and WWE’s poor writing, former WWE Superstar Dave Bautista bid adieu — at least for the time being — to the ring to focus full-time on his budding career as an actor. The role that launched him in Hollywood and made him a favorite with comic book fans is that of Drax the Destroyer. The muscular comic relief member of the team, Drax is imposing with his greyish/green skin covered with tattoos, but provides laughs with his bad timing and inability to grasp metaphors.
Dave’s owned the character, showing off comedy chops and charisma in a role that easily could have been a throwaway. Not only does Dave play Drax in Vol. 2, but he’s also set to join the Guardians when they appear in Avengers: Infinity War next year. Now, all we need is to get Dave, The Rock and John Cena to appear in the same movie, something like adaptations for Contra or He-Man!
Star-Lord/Peter Quill – Chris Jericho
Don’t question this, just go with it and drink it in, mannnnnnnn! He’s got the jacket, the attitude, the hair and an affinity for classic rock songs, so Chris Jericho as Star-Lord, leader of WWE’s Guardians team, makes total sense.
When he’s not busy putting people, places and things (including us) on his “List of Jericho,” for the past year Chris Jericho has been must see TV. He’s entertaining, can work the mic and just commands your attention regardless if he’s battling former BFF Kevin Owens or hosting “The Highlight Reel.” If you squint your eyes some, he also looks like he could be Chris Pratt’s brother. Since Kurt Russell plays Star-Lord’s father in Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2, maybe in Vol. 3, Jericho appears as Quill’s long lost brother. Gotta keep infusing the MCU with WWE talent!
Gamora – Becky Lynch
You probably thought I’d stick Sasha Banks here. I get that, but I’m going with Ms. “Straight Fire” herself, Becky Lynch. The fierce Irish beauty and former women’s champ is one of the toughest and most consistent performers in the division. While not as deadly as Gamora, both women are natural fighters that never quit.
In the MCU, Zoe Saldana takes on the role of Gamora, a green-skin alien that was raised and trained by the destroyer of worlds, Thanos. Going from assassin to a member of the Guardians was a tough journey for Gamora, but being a strong-willed individual has shaped her into a hero. Minus the aliens and cosmic adventures, Becky’s rise in WWE has been just as entertaining, turning herself into a warrior that has battled the likes of Charlotte, Alexa Bliss and Mickie James. Becky won’t stop going after the Smackdown Women’s Championship, throwing in some classic Becky puns while she’s at it!
Rocket Raccoon – Enzo Amore
One’s a Certified G and the other is a trigger happy beast. You don’t need much of an imagination to envision Enzo Amore as a loud-mouth, small, hairy animal with attitude and swag. You could probably switch both characters in their respected worlds and no one would raise an eyebrow.
Since arriving in NXT and now a mainstay on the main roster, Enzo Amore has been the mouthpiece for his tag team partner, Big Cass. He’s the Chester to Cass’ Spike — the two dogs in those old Looney Tunes cartoons. Like Rocket, Enzo has a dynamic and brash personality that rubs many the wrong way, even those on his side. Both fast-talking wise guys are always ready for a fight, proving the old adage “It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog” or, in this case, the raccoon. Slap on some ears and a tail on Enzo, and he’s good to go!
Groot – Mark Henry
No Baby Groot here. Is he cute? Sure, and Marvel is doing everything it can to squeeze more dollars out of that merchandise sponge.
We’re going the fully grown version that’s also voiced by Vin Diesel in the movie (which honestly any of us could do considering it's a one-line role). The giant living tree is calm and nice, but also capable of being vicious and deadly. He doesn’t say much besides “I am Groot,” and that’s okay because his actions speak a hundred times louder than his words.
In searching for the WWE talent that can possess that right balance, only Mark Henry’s name kept popping up. The gentle giant of the squared circle is a man you can have a beer with and share a laugh. But, he’s also the same man you don’t want to piss off, considering that he can literally crush your skull like a zit with his super-human strength. Another added bonus would be seeing Enzo sitting on Mark’s shoulder getting into trouble just like Rocket and Groot.
Yondu – Matt Hardy
So far we’ve put together a motley crew of strong, unmistakable characters that comprise our Guardians of WWE. With all of the main spots filled, we now move on to the sage older role, who has lived through battles and seen some shit. In the MCU that's Yondu. Wonderfully played by the wildcard Michael Rooker, Yondu’s a blue-skinned space pirate with a crimson metallic Mohawk and a short fuse. Leader of “The Ravagers,” he also serves as mentor figure to Peter Quill.
Broken Matt Hardy is the perfect choice to round out our team. While Chris Jericho is older than Matt, in “Broken” terms Hardy’s soul has been around for centuries. The wrestling veteran has experienced highs and lows in and out of the ring, and now that he’s returned to WWE with Brother Nero, he's arguably at the height of his popularity. It’ll take the other members of the team to soak in Matt’s broken brilliance, but hearing him yell out “DELETE!” during battle will be magnificent!
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