Love and sex are the most popular themes in pop music. Yet some artists (or most likely their writing teams) still manage to ‘get love’ completely wrong and chuck out shockingly tasteless tunes. While not every song on our list is horrible per se, all of them have one thing in common: they don't make us feel sexy. This Valentine's Day, we look at the least sexy songs about sex (and advise you to keep these off your "hookup" playlists).
LMFAO - "Sexy and I Know It"
The king of all novelty songs was almost scientifically designed to make your awkward aunt break into even more awkward dance moves at your bar mitzvah and embarrass the living hell out of you, your relatives and humanity in general.
Too tacky to be considered a self-empowerment anthem and more annoying than your last Tinder date, this song is insufferable and anyone who tells you otherwise deserves a lobotomy performed exclusively by LMFAO. They don't seem to be doing much these day anyway.
Benny Benassi - "Satisfaction"
Unless you’re auditioning for some construction work-themed German porn epic, we can’t imagine this monotonous monster of a club song giving you even a ghost of arousal, let alone any sort of satisfaction.
Rod Stewart - "Do You Think I'm Sexy?"
You’re a lot of things, mister Stewart — a legend, an icon, a best-selling artist, the only man who can (sort of) pull off that rooster haircut — but a sex symbol? Sorry, pal, it’s a pass.
And that video with a girl who looks exactly like Rod Stewart flirting with the singer in a bar? Don’t even get us started. Though it could be worse, there’s always Paris Hilton’s cover version.
Sisqo - "Thong Song"
As charming as the image of a boy going through his object of desire’s drawer sounds, this ode to strippers’ favorite type of undergarment doesn’t make us want to strip at all.
To give this classy tune an ever more perverted angle, Sisqo rocks silver hair in his butt-tastic music video, embracing his dirty old man tactics.
O-Town - "Liquid Dreams"
Boys aren’t usually prone to bragging about wetting their sheets after a night of steamy imaginary sexcapades. But some boys writes songs about it and dance in front of silvery computer-generated semen, because pop music.
While there’s nothing shameful about declaring your fascination to JLo, Janet and Destiny’s Child, we don’t advise anyone to ever walk up to their idol and say, “You're a star of my liquid dreams." Even if it’s Madonna. Also do these guys even have a type?!
Flo-Rida – "Whistle"
It’s quite fascinating that Flo-Rida found so many ways to de-sexualize sex during the course of his career. Not a single song about “getting low,” “blowing you whistle” or “getting stuck on your elevator” can be considered even slightly arousing.
He may persuade us all he wants, but all this song makes us want to do with our lips is mouth a big fat “NO.” Newsflash: if you ever want your girlfriend to, erm, whistle at your little friend, no amount of dirty pop songs will do the trick.
Aqua - "Barbie Girl"
Are you ready for us to ruin your childhood? Okay, here we go: this song is about role play.
It took us a while (two decades actually), but we finally cracked it, which doesn’t mean that we see sex where these kinky Danes do. We may or may not have looked under a couple of Barbies’ skirts or inspected Ken’s plastic private area when we were younger, but we never seriously wanted to make a Barbie doll “undress everywhere."
The Wanted - "Glad You Came"
Oh, these charming British gentlemen with their subtle sexual love songs.
Somebody has to tell them that winning a girl’s heart (or whatever part they’re really after) doesn’t always start with a sexual innuendo. But even if it does, it has to be way smarter than this lazy attempt at scoring an A+ at Jerkology 101.
Robin Thicke ft. Pharrell - "Blurred Lines"
Unless your idea of sexual is a bunch of grown man sitting on sofas, sipping expensive cocktails and lazily eyeing passing by supermodels while whispering lifeless “hey hey heys” in unsuccessful attempts to assert their fading macho image. Let's all hope nobody's getting a heart attack at the game of golf later.
The Chainsmokers ft. Halsey – "Closer"
Unless you think this inflatable backseat mattress is a good investment, you probably don’t find hooking up with your ex on the Rover’s backseat all that appealing.
Nor would you find last year’s surprising radio hit about hate-sex anything but a by-the-numbers watered down EDM empty shell devoid of any spark, sensuality or at least lust.
Want to see more lists? Check out our Everybody Loves a List! page.
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